JUNE 2022
Freedom I like when I wake up in LA and it's foggy. It sort of smells like fall, but won't ever really. Being up before anyone else is easy here. Especially in Laurel Canyon, where I often slink down the concrete steps of a brutalist home and find my car parked on the hill. This is after carefully extracting myself from J, who is a huge baby if disturbed by shifting blankets, and who often makes frustrated, guttural sounds when he notices my leaving. I can do anything I want once I get to my car. The steering wheel is cold from being parked overnight. I look in my bag for adderall. Once I find one, I use an old drink to swallow a cracked half. Then I turn up my heat and roll down the windows, which is a huge waste. J says this is how he knows I'm not Jewish. I just like the feeling.
5/25/22 My boyfriend left today. Like, he went back home. I really miss him. If I think about it too hard, I will cry. Is that okay? He remembered my birthday. Year and everything. I dated my ex boyfriend for over a year and he told me I was weird for thinking he should know my birthday. He told me “I only remember my Mother’s birthday. You’re not that important.” It was a weird thing to say to such a small request: Please know my birthday. My boyfriend wants the best for us both. And he tries very hard. He’s busy and stressed and he still tries very hard and prioritizes us. He is patient with me. Yesterday, when I got home from work, we went to the grocery to get ingredients for taco salad. Both of us were on edge for some reason. I got very annoyed by this in the kitchen while cooking. He did too. Later, while we ate, he asked me to trust him, and that even though he is flawed, he is very experienced. He said this respectfully and carefully. But my face still turned sour, like the lemon on my plate. He told me I was very smart and intuitive. My face turned sweet. He wants me to be the best I can be. I need to appreciate him more. I love him. I wish my family would all move to California. I know that sounds crazy. Would they, even? I know my brother wouldn’t. None of them would, actually. I wish we could relocate somewhere as a family. I wish I could be with my family for the rest of my life. I miss them. I want to be a kid again. I want to sit at our kitchen table and eat taco salad with them. I want to be on edge at the grocery store with them. I’m on page 72 of The Invention of Morel. The book my boyfriend got me that he also got for himself. He gave it to me at the burger place the last time he visited LA. (This time doesn’t count because he left this morning) — it’s really great. I love his inscription in the front of it. I hope that one day, he and I live together. I hope we have space to do our own things, he in his office and I in mine. I would go to his office to kiss him and hug him and talk with him. And then we would go our separate ways across the hallway. I would cook us dinner and we would talk about anything and everything. And then we would have sex at night, and fall asleep naked together. In the morning I would cook us breakfast and make coffee or tea and we would sit together and talk about what we need to do during the day. Most days we write in our own little worlds. Occasionally we go on picnics or walks together. He accompanies me to the grocery where he insists on carrying the basket. I no longer try to fight it and usually I am not on edge. He kisses me by the lemons. I am a paid artist so I can afford all of the healthiest groceries. Our kids will only eat organic stuff. He enjoys anything I cook and he never complains.
Wading (selections)
Last night I dreamt we had sex (again). You were a Tiktok dance
and I, a vine compilation,
laughing at something I didn’t understand. It felt more like
a JOI,
and the instructions were in Spanish.
I dragged myself from bed only to find
I had taken a pillow in each hand,
walking through the nightmare
and wading through a reflection pool.
Hills Recording
What a strange place. Miles of zigzagging streets—every turn smelling faintly like fresh flowers, only broken occasionally by the stronger scent of fresh pasta. The hills fold up around every five-story mass like crumpled bedsheets, and the trees sweep out that horribly democratic thing, the sun. Range Rovers, Alfa Romeos, and Teslas (the last driven only by transient, wrinkle-resistant real estate brokers) appear briefly, noisily, and disappear again, like an animal disappearing back into the dark jungle understory.
I’ve never understood that apparent desire to become a monad, to be up in the hills buried in all those quiet rooms, shuffling around serenely, turning the lights off and on. You don’t understand how truly separate from the rest of the world they are up there until you’ve spent time up there among them. Time just clicks by. You don’t feel it at all. Assuming you can afford to stay, you could walk in and simply die tomorrow, while decades pass in the outside world.
The most disturbing part is coming back out, going back down into the city. You, warm blooded, want to feel like this dark, sleek death cult you just encountered is a parasite on the outside world. But you come out and it just simply looks like exactly the opposite, the whole city a fungal growth on this strange other. The city could be burned away completely and somehow, impossibly, this other thing up in the hills would endure.
You’ve entered Degraded Mode, everything is back to normal
she looks like she has not eaten and it feels like taking advantage of her financial situation every tme you hear my voce, wth every word, you wll enter a stll deeper layer, open, relax ed and receptve.
not a big fan of her tits
as you focus your attenton entrely on my voce, you wll slowly begn to relax. apparently that girl got pregnant. that’s why she’s not camming anymore. this will ruin her body and she will be ugly afterwards
your hands and your fngers are gettng warmer and heaver. the warmth s spreadng through your arms to your shoulders and your neck.
I’m lonely af watching this shit late af a girl I liked just broke my fucking heart like it was nothing
your feet and your legs get heaver.
I left my gf 8 months ago because I didn’t know how to satisfy her
the warmth s spreadng to the whole of your body.
hope you all burn in hell
and the whole of your relax ed body s slowly begnnng to snk.
I like this video. I like to fuck my own girlfriend
you go deeper and deeper and deeper.
okay nice wank whilst stoned as shit lol
on every breath you take you go deeper.
she reminds me of a woman I should’ve married
you are floatng.
did not realize how big her forehead is I could build a whole house on there no cap
feel your eyelds becomng heaver. they wll not close.
October 11th 2020
If I knew a girl like you
I’d tuck her in
Have recess for dinner
And make Hamentashen
with her folds
for dessert
bark for hours at nothing
about everything too hard
to articulate
Break my skull on the wall
Radiating
Gyrating
Deriving tension
In the left aorta
In the right corner of the clavicle
Use dead sea scrolls
as bandages
for blisters never treated…
Kneeling and praying
for a sign that my love is not wrong
my truth is not empty
and my star is not dying
If I knew a girl like you
I’d stuff my face with it
I’d say I’m full
And I’d ask for seconds
